Chinese Lesson

So, I've improved my Chinese vocabulary. Someone called me an alpaca, which in Chinese is very close to the word for one who commits incest with his mother. What would have been more useful is to know the Chinese words for "Quick, my husband is coming!" Oh well. Learning is learning no matter what the context.

Old Chinatown

Well, here I am in China. Sorry for the long gap between posts. I had some trouble finding a computer with a keyboard I could actually understand. China's been OK...interesting, I'd say. I've spent more time than I'd like stuck in a purse since China doesn't seem to know how to deal with my ability to sexify my surroundings. Don't worry, though, I've gotten out to stretch my legs here and there, so it's all good.

The flight over was awful. Llamas aren't meant to fly. I think that before the flight back I might do some cruisin' down the black market to find some relax-and-feel-good pills. Traditional Chinese medicine and all of that. Ha! The only traditional Chinese medicine that I know of is opium, and it's the only one I need to know.

The only redeeming quality on the way over was the lovely lady stewardess who was quite attentive to my needs, if you know what I mean. However, I could not convince her to induct me into the mile-high club, which was a shame. Of course, I was not at the top of my game. Who can be when they're hurtling through the air at those speeds?

The food here is just as I'd feared. I've started eating tofu, just out of necessity. I started with some deep-fried tofu, and it's like with anything - batter and deep-fry it and it becomes delicious. However, I have to watch my figure since I will not have much luck with the ladies if I continue to eat like that, so I had to move on to some more "traditional" food. I've eaten enough sprouts now to poop out a bean farm. On the up side, lychee fruit are quite tasty, and lychee juice is a good mixer for vodka.

The crowds here are redonkulous, and everyone looks the same. I've been able to catch the eye of a few lovely ladies, though. Don't you worry about that. When you're a llama, you tend to stand out in a crowd.

Preparing for China

Thursday's the big day. First time on a plane - I'll have to have an extra Budweiser for breakfast that day. They'd better not be planning to stuff me in a suitcase for the trip. I need to be free. Otherwise, how am I going to work my charm on any of the fine lady stewardesses? They need to learn of the sweetness that is Llama Love.

Seriously, though, China? I have a feeling I might be contracting some yellow fever, if you know what I mean. Those sweet sweet geishas. I have some needs they can attend to, if you know what I mean. I'm not a racist. I'll dish out the love to any willing lady - even the fatties. Fatties need love too.

I hope that they don't make me eat any weird ass food over there. I'm not into the seafood vibe. I'm a llama for Chrisakes. I eat grass. And you can tell me that tofu is made from soybeans, but that doesn't make it any less gross.

Hey, how do you say, "I am rich. Please have sex with me" in Chinese? Anybody? I need to be prepared.

Introduction

Yo, I'm Larry and I travel the world, seeing the sights. In this case, "sights" means hot ladies. Here you'll find my travel journal and pictures. Feel free to leave comments. Or don't. Whatever.